Children who have been given enough tender loving care are emotionally capable of having some independent time. During this time they have an opportunity to explore their world in a different way, free from the influence of others, while building self-reliance. They learn how to have fun, entertain themselves, and feel comfortable being alone. The amount of time a child will feel comfortable and safe being alone varies according to his or her maturity, health, and self-soothing abilities.
Like adults, children are creatures of habit. Consistent behaviors, behaviors that become familiar and predictable, create a sense of security. (On the other hand, unpredictable behaviors and a lack of healthy routines create anxiety.) Not all of the habits we develop are healthy or safe. In order to give up or move away from undesirable habits, we need to add and practice healthier choices. The amount of practice needed will vary according to the intensity of the unhealthy habits and our emotional ability to accept the changes. Making changes is a process.
Freudian psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote an essay entitled “The Capacity to Be Alone” about how young children develop emotional self-reliance. He said that a child learns to be alone not through true isolation but by being “alone” in the presence of a loved one. Eventually children learn that being on their own does not mean being alone; they feel safe and secure.
The sleep method I teach includes making sure a loved one stays in sight while the child is learning to enjoy his or her bed, relax, and drift into sleep. Along with giving children the opportunity to feel safe in their beds, this technique offers the physical and emotional support they need to feel safe. By giving up habits that don’t support self-soothing sleep and adding healthy ones that help them feel safe, children are able to learn how to sleep on their own.
It is difficult enough to give up unhealthy habits and make changes when a person wants to make them, but forcing change upon a person makes it much more difficult to accept. This is especially true for young children. Changing the only habits they know and replacing them with behaviors that are unfamiliar requires time and practice for them to become familiar and therefore feel safe. For that reason, my self-soothing sleep method begins by teaching babies a healthier sleep routine during the day. Daytime offers a more effective opportunity to teach changes because the baby isn’t as tired (and neither are the parents), so learning is easier. As well, parents aren’t asleep, so they can respond as needed without delay. Once the child has adapted to the changes, it is easy to transfer that knowledge to nighttime sleep routines.
Some families are concerned that it will be too confusing for their child to have different routines for day and night. Children are very intelligent and quite capable of learning several different routines, provided these routines are implemented consistently. On the other hand, it isn’t reasonable or considerate to change their familiar routines all at once.
Self-reliance is a valuable skill for everyone. Teaching a child how to self-soothe to sleep gives them a skill that will serve them for the rest of their lives. A child who has learned how to self-soothe can enjoy being in bed. Their bed becomes a safe place where their active imagination can be let loose while he or she winds down and drifts off to sleep, trusting that all is well in their world.
